Depression jokes
What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?
The depressed person can scan themself.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.
A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.
My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.
I can't fake the smile for long, as there is weight hanging at both of its ends called depression.
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
To people who say that depression hits hard...
The car begs to disagree.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
At 6, she wanted a happy mama.
At 8, she hated acting like a mom.
At 10, she wanted to see her own smile again.
At 11, she wanted to see her mom.