I love Brussel sprouts more than I love myself.
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.
What's both red, white and sometimes purple?
My arms...
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: I don't know anymore.
Bruh.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: Seeing others happy.
Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?
Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.
Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.
Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...
Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?
Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.
I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.
... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
