After long consideration, I’ve decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a "choice". But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called "murder".
I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.
She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.
Suicide gives your security for the future. Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day and you can choose to postpone it.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What's worse than depression & suicide? Easy : LIVING Everyday you wish you were dead but than reality hits u in the face that your still alive and has to suffer living Pretend or not pretend we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no onw will notice :) no one ever does :) Living is the problem to everything we get depression cuz of it and so much why can't we just die :) ?
I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible! I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my date 😡
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
My ex boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket check out for fun.
“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless”
I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.
Found out I’m worth $3.97
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. -- I now have $999,999.75.
Little Johnny walked on into to his house.He heard a banging sound from up above and decied to investigate.He opened the door to his parents room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door.He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.
He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.
A kid is watching tv and sees an ad about adopting an animal,he then turns to his mother and says “do we have to adopt a donkey” “no” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it......we adopted you”.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile
On a hot summers day a famous celebrity tweeted " it is a beautiful day and I`m deciding which kid to have fun with today" to which the local priest replied " I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today".
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing while a man named Chris comes up and asks “which one is yours?” The man said “I don’t know i’m still deciding.”
