Dead jokes
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stranger.
Stranger who?
Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?
Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over? A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die? A: Because the koala landed on it.
Why was the emo person dead inside?
Because I stole their insides.
Why did Jesus come back from the dead? He forgot to tell you that you're gay!
Women be like chivalry is dead, then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
Roses are red, My cat try to kill your next >:)
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
Obi-Wan be like:
"To Darth Maul, lightsabers are blue, lightsabers are red. I cut you in half, why the fuck aren’t you dead?"
What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head?
Stopping it with the shovel!
How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?
It depends how many bullets you have.
Dad: Alive.
Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).
Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.
Mother: Alive...
Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.
what do you call it when a person dies in Panera Bread?
Panera dead.
What hood do zombies come from?
Dead Ends.
What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?
There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop!
I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.
I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.
What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.