Dead Jokes

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite.

Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.

Man: Your hair colour is fabulous. Woman: I hate your hair colour, though.

Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!

Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Yes, I want you dead.

R.I.P

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign? Woman: F*** you, pedophile!

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.

Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch! Woman: How dare you!

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying "I AM KING OF THE WORLD!"

Orphan finds genie

Orphan:my first wish is to be Rich

Genie: of course

Orphan:my second wish is to be famous

Genie:done

Orphan: I wish my parents can come back Genie: I told you I can't bring people back from the dead

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

boy: i dead girl: is that why your so ugly? boy: no, i was just born this way

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and see's a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running building momentum before launching himself at the nun catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement. He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nuns ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habbit and lifting her limp to her feet til face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace the drunk victoriously growled. Your not so bloody tough tonight are ya Batman.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands? Because he is DEAD.

What did the lampost say to the other lampost. Nothing because it cant speak

Q: How do you make a fire? A: Oil and dead babies

whats the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?

About 5000 calories

Stephens Not Dead his WiFi is slow

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."

How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee

Their both crazy and now dead

what do u call skeletons having sex when the relationship is dead but ur still fucking

what do u call security outside a samsung store guardians of the galaxy

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood. Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

Steven hawkings not dead he is just in airplane mode