Dead Jokes

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

What is the best type of snake?

A dead one.

How do you know your baby is dead?

It stopped screaming after not feeding the bastard for a month.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?

Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?

I'm dead! 😂💀💀

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

What happened when Obama ran for president?

The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

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Stop with the dead baby jokes. We're running out of babies.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

What is round and squishy? A dead baby's head.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.