What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
How do skeletons make love? They bone each other!
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
What’s the difference between bossatron5678 and a gay man?
One isn’t retarded, and one isn’t gay; the gay man is dead.
Why would a dead guy lie?
Because he can't stand up.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.
Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.
Person B: Over my dead body.
Person B: *gets the noose*
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
Why Am I Happy? I'm Dead
Your mom gay.
One day a cow ate a fish.
What came out the other side?
A dead fish.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Now, how about that drink?
Have you heard about the blind man who saw the accident and the dead man who heard it?
How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.
How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.
When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”
Hahahahahahhah my nan died :)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stranger.
Stranger who?
Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?
