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Day jokes

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

Whatโ€™s an orphanโ€™s favorite holidays? Mothersโ€™ and Fatherโ€™s Day.

I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist colony the other day.

When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

Whoever is reading this, I hope you have a good day because I feel bad you're so short.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!

Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?

Tj: Good... you?

Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one ๐Ÿ˜‰!

Tj: ๐Ÿ˜.

Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!

Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?

Gwen: ๐Ÿ™ No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! ๐Ÿ˜.

Tj: NO!!!!!!

1 day later.

Gwen: ๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•๐Ÿคฐ๐Ÿคฐ๐Ÿคฐ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘งโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ

What would you call the previous president when he is having a bad day?

Donald Grump.

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

One day in class, little Johnny was mucking around, not listening to the teacher. After 5 minutes, the teacher caught him, finished what she was saying, and said, "Little Johnny, if you werenโ€™t listening, what was the last thing I said?" And little Johnny replied back, "You said, 'What was the last thing I said?'"

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