Dark Humor

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.

What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

What is a cannibal's favorite food?

Crackers.

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What’s worse than nailing 10 babies to 1 tree?

Nailing 1 baby to 10 trees.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!

What's worse than Sally in a trash can? Sally in thirteen trash cans.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.