Dark Humor

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What is a cannibal's favorite food?

Crackers.

What’s worse than nailing 10 babies to 1 tree?

Nailing 1 baby to 10 trees.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!

What's worse than Sally in a trash can? Sally in thirteen trash cans.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.

How do you make an emo jump?

A cliff.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.