Dais jokes

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

One day I met a blind guy and I said, "You should see Mt. Cheaha!"

What country has been the hottest in recent years?

Sri Lanka, they had 3 bombs in a day!

Why do orphans only have 362 days of the year?

... bc they don’t have Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or Thanksgiving.

Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?

Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?

The mailman goes home at the end of the day.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

I don't see why people say that emo kids don't like to hang out.

I've seen them hanging all day.

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

One day I'm walking and I saw Josh B. He's sucking balls and Marco jump[s], and we got [an] earthquake, and I say, "Yamate."