Dais jokes
Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?
1. Listening to your teacher.
2. Not having your phone/game/TV.
3. Not having nicotine.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. đź’€
Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?
Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
Memes
Shrimp posture
What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?
The mailman goes home at the end of the day.
Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.
Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
One day I'm walking and I saw Josh B. He's sucking balls and Marco jump[s], and we got [an] earthquake, and I say, "Yamate."
Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!
What country has been the hottest in recent years?
Sri Lanka, they had 3 bombs in a day!
What kind of clothing should you wear on “hump day”? Camelflouge.
What day does Venus like?
SATURNday.
I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.
I told a cookie a joke the other day.
It just crumbled.
One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
Why do orphans only have 362 days of the year?
... bc they don’t have Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or Thanksgiving.
One day I met a blind guy and I said, "You should see Mt. Cheaha!"