I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?
A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.
9/11, also known as the day football stopped.
I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."
I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"
Wanna know something the orphan could never do?
Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
The man was dangling by a string!
I was jealous the day he died.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...;” “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!”
The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no,” said the teacher, terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’”
They say nothing is impossible, but I've been doing nothing all day.
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
