Dais jokes

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?

A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.

When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

I'm not a chef, but boy, are these days getting harder and harder to get through.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

The man was dangling by a string!

I was jealous the day he died.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

9/11, also known as the day football stopped.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!