Dais jokes

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

Wanna know something the orphan could never do?

Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

The man was dangling by a string!

I was jealous the day he died.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

9/11, also known as the day football stopped.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?

They say nothing is impossible, but I've been doing nothing all day.

What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?

"Deja moo!"

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

One day a cow ate a fish.

What came out the other side?

A dead fish.