Dais Jokes

Location is in London by the way. One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money. His friend, "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: The moon landing was faked! So unbelievable fake! Me: You believe in the moon? Stupidass.

Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said "Honey, I flat chested. The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex. The next day, the wife said "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."...

A kid gets home from school and find his mom and dad having sex, the kid asks "what are you doing dad" the dad replies "having sex with your mom son" and he starts laughing The next day dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan, the dad shouts "what the hell are you doing son" the kid replies " it's not funny when it's your mom is it"

I told my mother i wanted a brother for Christmas The next day i saw her in the strip club across the street

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest.

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

everyone: so wait let me get this straight feminist want to cancel fathers day because it is offensive to single mothers

feminist: correct

everyone: THEN WTF IS THE POINT OF MOTHERS DAY

I got introduced to a dwarf at a nudist Colony the other day.

When we shook, the pleasure was all mine.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day

Someone at school judged my grammar. I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh so you're still on the first episode then?"

So I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

Today was a bad day. First My ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day Friend: why? Me: because i put the women rights book in the fiction section

one day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed " YoUr AdOpTeD!" he said "yeah I know my REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."