Customer jokes

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

Hey dude, can you spell IHOP?

Sure, man. I. H. O. P.

Wait, you ate my pee!!!

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.

Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"

Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."

Chef: “How did you enjoy your steak, sir?”

Customer: “I asked for it medium rare, but it’s well done!”

Chef: “Why thank you.”

Customer: “You don’t understand, the steak is well done!”

Chef: “Of course it is, I made it.”

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Sign outside a hair salon: "We'll color your hair or dye trying."

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:

"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

What did the customer say when Beef a Roo made him a bacon cheeseburger?

Thank a Roo.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.

*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.

*Me sits down in the chair*

*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.

*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.

*walks out without paying*

*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.

*customer:* I told u she would.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

Setting: Funeral Home

Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.

Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.

Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?

Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.

Customer: Okay?

Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.

By: MiniMemorials.com

So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.

The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

What do you call it when a man wants food in Panera?

Panera bread serving food.