Crime jokes
Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Why did the cake say to the scammer? "I'll scam you up!"
When they walk in and you're fucking... everyone at the morgue.
How many babies does it take to paint a room red?
Depends how hard you throw 'em.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
I put glue in a man :)
A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."
He couldn't shoot straight.
I bought drugs today.
A drunk guy runs into a bar... He bangs his head and falls down, why?
Because he is in a prison cell.
My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.
What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?
Driving under the influencer.
I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and said, "Hot Wheels!"
My dad killed himself because he was Hitler.
Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!
What do you call the Gray Man in an electric chair? Fried Fish.
So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.
The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.