A pedophile is chatting on the internet : "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"
People judge me because im quiet
no one plans a massacre out loud
What did one tampon say to the other tampon when they walked by each other on the street? Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts!
Of a midget walks up to you and tells you your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment....
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."
what do you do when you get locked outside your house...... you talk to the lock. because communication is key.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
2 pedophilles talking to each other: do you got 2 fives for 1 ten?
Daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?
Dad: Ask your sister
Daughter: But I don't have a sister
Dad: Exactly
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what”
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well uou better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.
Friend:Im gonna go ask out my crush Me: fake sneezes* Sry im alergic to bullshit
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says who the fucks be fucking my wife the room goes silent, the guy in the back finishes his beer and says you ain't got enough bullets.
FIRST DATE
man: i work with animals every day woman: oh how sweet! what is it that you do? man: im a butcher..
Girl: How do you feel about abortion? Dad: Ask your sister Girl: I don't have a ...
Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom "bullets" we don't talk about this anymore
My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said why did you call me a female
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole".
The ass replied, "yes, but you still keep coming".
Me walking in to the office: Principle: tell me what u did? Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was a end portal....
