Conversation jokes
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"
An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"
The Scouser says, "Liverpool."
The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"
The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"
The umpire and the catcher were having a conversation. The runner slid into home, “I slid into this conversation.”
Q: What did one snake say to the other?
A: Nothing because they are both dead.
What did the shoes say to the pants?
"SUP, BRITCHES!"
Man A: "Is Google male or female?"
Man B: "Female, because it does not let you finish the sentence before making a suggestion."
Colder than the conversation between a fat guy and a Super Model...
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
I'm bored and I'm sure someone scrolling through here is too, so wanna chat? Pls.
If someone says nobody asked, you could say, "Well, nobody asked for you to talk!"
Wife: Hi babe. Husband: Hey. Wife: Do you wanna? Husband: YES! Wife: Ok, make sure you have a towel to go to the beach. Husband: WHAT? You mean go to the beach? Wife: Yes, what did you think I meant? Husband: Oh, nothing, bye. Wife: Bye, see you there.
Orphan: *crying* You: Do you know where your parents are? Orphan: No. Your Friend: They don't have parents!!! You: 😂 I know.
Me: Hi, my name is...
Bro: Hey guys! So who are you?
Me: Hey, stop dude!
Bro: How is it going, bro--
Me: SHUT UP!
Bro: Is that a gun?
Me: *Pointing at bro*
Bro: Dude, I'm...
Me: *BANG* *BANG*
Me: Finally, it's over.
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
*at school*
Nobody: Do you want nuts?
Me: Wait, you have some?
Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.
Me: :0
Hey, talk to me here!
Hey updog!
What's updog?
(Laughter)
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"-Hey dude, you got some beef? You want some beef from me?"
"- No thanks... I'm vegetarian!"