Comparison jokes
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
You're so ugly, even Smara gets jealous.
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
What is the difference between a human and a burger?
What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?
None.
They're both imaginary.
What is the difference between a human and a magic house, and what do I have for dinner?
I once had a cat that reminded me of Doug Ford.
Fat, mean, and probably inbred.
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought Voldemort was ugly, but then I met you.
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead kids?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
What has tree roots and what do I have for kids? What is the difference between a human and a used tire?
Tree roots are under the tree, and used tires are under the Hummer.
Life is like a box of chocolates, they f*cking melt :)
What is the difference between a human and a tree?
A human can walk and a house can walk to a tree, walk home, walk, walk, and walk, walk.
What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.
What does an eighty-year-old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty-year-old woman doesn't?
A belly button.
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."
What is the difference between a car and a tree?
A tree cannot drive, but a car can drive.
What does my head and hell have in common?
They both have demons in them.
They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.