Chuck jokes
Me: *makes Chuck Norris meme*
Internet: *all the other memes are dead now*
Me: Well, shit.
Chuck Norris drove his parents to school.
Chuck Norris: "I block bullets with my beard." Abraham Lincoln: "I catch bullets with my skull."
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris was shot with a gun. The bullet was critically injured.
Chuck Norris didn't join the army, the army joined Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can drift with a horse.
Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.
Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road.
He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?"
"Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done."
This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine."
"What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do."
"You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?"
Chuck knew the answer. "Me."
Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house."
Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either.
"No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways."
He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?"
Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence.
He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him.
A single tear welled in Chuck's eye.
The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.
Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.
Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.
Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee? Bruce Lee was no joking matter.
Chuck Norris doesn't zoom out; everything moves backwards.
Chuck Norris gets paid $2 million a month training Bear Grylls how to survive in the “harshest conditions on earth.”
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.
Jesus could walk on water, and Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Foi o Chuck Norris que fez o parto da sua mãe.