How do I feed the baby with my pants on?
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?
Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
I gave her a lift back to her crib because her car wouldn’t start.
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
How do you make a baby float?
You take your foot off its head.
What do you call an Indian babysitter?
Nanny.
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.
Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.
What do you do when a baby starts to cry?
You use more lube.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
What cries, is red, and is a pokey boi?
The baby you just feed nails to.
