Childcare jokes

Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.

What do you do when a baby starts to cry?

You use more lube.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It wasn't in its car seat.

What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?

With a pitchfork.

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

Take your foot off its head.

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?

Nail one hand to the ground...

How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

What cries, is red, and is a pokey boi?

The baby you just feed nails to.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them. XD

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Throw a brick in its mouth.

How do you make a baby cry?

You punch it in the face.