Childcare jokes
Why can't an orphan go on a field trip?
'Cause they need parent registration!
Who is an orphan's favorite soccer player?
Been fostered.
Why can’t orphans win trophies?
Because they can’t take them home.
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
How do you get a baby to stop crying?
Simple... you staple its mouth shut.
So, if she gargles your cum, is that a jacuzzi daycare?
Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell yo mama jokes.
How do I feed the baby with my pants on?
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?
Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
I gave her a lift back to her crib because her car wouldn’t start.
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
How do you make a baby float?
You take your foot off its head.
What do you call a baby in the shower? A baby in the shower.
What do you call an Indian babysitter?
Nanny.
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."