So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.
What are a doctor's and a WWE fighter's ideas on child abuse?
Doctor's: Don't do it, it does not help. Mood behavior.
WWE fighters: If it can crawl, it can brawl.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite thing to eat from? The children's menu.
Why do eight-year-old girls wear panties with flowers on?
In loving memory of all the faces that were buried in there.
What’s the difference between a microwave and a 10 year old girl?
The microwave doesn’t fart out blood and diarrhea when you pull your meat out.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.