Child Jokes

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite game?

A: The Sims 4, because then they can simulate having a family.

Why can you hit orphans?

Because they can't tell their parents.

What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child?

Guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker 🖕 that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture.

Orphans are lonely.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can never get a home run. 😭

No one cares if you bully an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Why did orphans want to commit a crime?

Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.

What school subject does an orphan love?

PE because they actually get picked.

Why do orphans hate dodgeball?

Because nobody misses them.

Give a blind kid a gun and tell him it's a hair dryer.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

Question: What does baseball have that orphans don't?

Answer: A home.

Why are orphans banned from the shop?

No adult to pay for them.

What does an orphan and a wheelchair have in common?

They can both be replaced.

Are you depressed? Go punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”