I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
How do you organize a rave party in Ethiopia? Just put some bread on the ceiling.
I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.
I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: How many letters are in the alphabet A.11 A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
What do children and lights have in common? They both hang from ceilings!
Not funny, here’s another.
Why can’t China play baseball? They ate the bat.
Two Australians walk into a bar, they run into the ceiling fan immediately.
Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.
“These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells.”
“oh cool”
“this is mother Teresa’s clock, the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied.”
“Makes sense”
“This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice.”
“Where’s Trump’s clock”
“Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan.”
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
I like my kids like I like my lamps.
Hung from the ceiling.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
God, I miss Stephen Hawking.
He was brainier than Kurt Cobain's ceiling.
A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling. The cashier says "If you can grab it, your meal's free.". The man then said "Nah, the stakes are too high.".
What’s the difference between a feminist and a rock?
A rock can break a glass ceiling.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on how high your ceiling is.
A friend texts to another:
"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"
The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"
To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."
