Cant jokes

Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

Can't wait to meet you!

So join the Depression family!

We open real soon!

Try best to hold onto sanity!

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.

Why can't dwarfs be depressed?

Because they are compressed.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?

Finish a race.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

10 Fun Facts.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

25 disabled children.

Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy."