Can

Can Jokes

Church

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

Red Dot

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

Squirrel

Trump: Caillou, can you please stop whining? That squirrel didn’t just eat our pizza, he also ditched your dad, and he’s your stepdad now.

Caillou: Why I’m bald, Trumpy?

Trump: I don’t know, but what I do know is that you’re a massive shit stain.

Bowling Ball

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Unicycle

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

Sex

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

Cheek

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

Tomato

What the can say to the tomato?

Tomato tomato potato potato find twelve recipe for the both 👍🏾

I put on ingredient sticker read for tasting good.

Elbow

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Weed

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

Gynecologist

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

Wikipedia

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

Job

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.