Can jokes
Say what you want about Paul Walker, but he was a smart guy.
You can tell by the quantity of brain matter on his dashboard.
Can emos eat a happy meal, or is it a depressed meal?
Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.
He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.
Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"
He waited for three hours to get an answer.
His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."
Why crack your fingers when you can finger your crack?
What kind of tree can you High-Five?
A palm tree.
Person 1: Somebody farted.
Person 2: No, all I can smell is your breath.
Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."
Tyler: "Why?"
Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa.
Eating sugar?
Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.
Smoking? Telling lies?
Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.
Dear doctor,
I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?
Yours Truly, Ray Palp
Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.
The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”
Why does the orphan like nature? He can call someone "mother."
Why does an orphan like church so much? So he can call someone "father."
The woman's body is shaped like a penis. If see a naked female body bent over, her butt looks like testicles, while her head can be seen as the head of a penis.
This is the same if she lies down right side up with her knees up and legs spread. If she lays upside down with her knees up and legs spread, her boobs are like testicles and her pelvic area is like the head of a penis. If you look at the shape of a vagina, it’s shaped like a penis with the lips looking like testicles and the clit looks like the schlong.
Why does Helen Keller hate the national anthem? Oh, say, can you see?
What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?
They both come in small can.
Michael Jackson's nose is so steep, it can be a ski ramp.
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?
They can both carve a new emotion.