Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."
Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."
Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"
Ex-girlfriend: "20!"
Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."
I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.
"Let go of my nose!"
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
What’s worse than sally in 1 trash can, sally in 13 trash cans
A Mexican boy said, "I can't do this." Then a guy says, "You can do it, we are Mexican, not Mexicant."
How can you tell if Google is a girl?
It makes suggestions before you finish your sentence!
A pedophile is sitting at an empty poker table. An eight-year-old kid asked him if he could sit down. The pedophile says to the child, "Sure, let's play."
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
Shaenaya is single, 16, and looking for a 30 year old man that can pleasure her, huh?
What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.
There is only one thing I have to give my enemies.
A bucket full of dead baby heads and semen so they can replenish their spawn.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.
Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"
A man gets captured by cannibals.
Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?
Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........
Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.
So, a guy walks into a gas station and walks to the person working and says, "Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?" So she gets him one, and then he says, "No, I want a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch!"
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a rock?
A rock can break a glass ceiling.
