Call jokes
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator ;)
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
What do you call a place where people die?
Rosshall Academy.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”
What did the two paintings say after a long battle?
Let's call this one a draw.
What do you call a pansexual pedophile? Jesus.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.
What do you call three people in a dark room? A porno.
Why is he called Ben 10? Because he is ten in long.
What do you call a pun that's bad? A bad pun.
What do you call Mexicans in a band trying to be a white band?
"Juan Direction."
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
What do you call a fruit's penis?
A percock.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Fun fact: Toasters were originally called tanning breads!
When a donkey digs a tunnel, it is called a burro.
What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”