what a sharks favorite sandwich peanut butter and jellyfish
Fred says, "Have you heard the rumor about butter?" Bob says, "Umm No-" Fred then says, "Ah okay then I won't spread it."
How to make emo cakes: Milk Butter Eggs Sugar We're Going Down Swinging
Butter believe it
I got a roommate, he killed a butterfly and I said no butter for a week, the next day he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch nice try
When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table 25+ kill streak
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Why are butts salty Because there buttered
I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.
What sandwich spread makes people itch? Flea-nut butter.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party? “Nice spread!”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive? In a Jif.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party? He was roasted.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter nut tell you.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road? It went with the traffic jam.
What competition do nuts participate in? The peanut butter cup.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Peanut. Peanut who? Peanut butter open the door!
Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee, his dad sees this and says "i saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies "i don't care, i don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says " i saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little johnny replies "I don't care, i don't like butter anyway." Both little johnny and his dad go in for dinner, johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. little johnny looks and smiles and says "do you want to tell her or should i?"
Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week the 16 year old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
