But jokes

So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

What is something feminists crave but will never get? Semen.

When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jill fell down and Jack came tumbling down after.

(And you thought this would be a joke.)

Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

Hairy vagina is like sweets with the wrapper on. You don't like it, but you still eat it.