But jokes

What did the hecadrocophodecadus say to the hopetihopetifuckendecker?

"It didn't happen, but it should have."

Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.

Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.

Teacher: Why?

Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort it.

What always roars, but cannot talk? What always moves, but cannot walk?

A waterfall.

I was playing baseball with orphans, but when they hit a homerun, they had nowhere to go.

Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”

My hairline may be straight, but I’m not.

What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."

I wanna go to Antarctica, but then I got cold feet.

I tried to catch fog, but sadly, I missed.

When you try to close a Google ad because it was covering content, but it was covered by "Ad closed by Google."

I would make a clock joke, but I don't have time.

You're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but what are you when you are still in the bathroom? European (you're-a-peein').

A jumping cable walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"I will serve you, but don't start anything!"

I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.

She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.

I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.

What do you call skeletons having sex?

When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.

I know that my jokes are never punny but...

I would tell you a chemistry pun, but I won't get a reaction.

I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!