But jokes

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?

Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

Teacher: What’s 2+2?

Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh

Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.

And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.

What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?

You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!

Some people call them glue sticks, but they're blue sticks.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

A jumping cable walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"I will serve you, but don't start anything!"

I'd make a farming joke, but I'm just a little less than corny enough.

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie!

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)