Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!
I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.
What's the difference between a CEO and licorice?
The licorice is black.
What was OceanGate's biggest regret?
Not painting Dylan Mulvaney on the side of the Titan submarine for when it sunk like Bud Light's profits.
Why can't Indians play baseball? Because every time they hit a corner, they open a shop.
Yo mama so fat she made KFC go bankrupt.
Did you hear about the man that got fired from his can job? It was soda-pressing.
Can orphans eat at family restaurants?
I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.
It just doesn’t make any cents!
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.
What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?
High steaks gambling.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
What do you call an epileptic midget that works at Little Caesars?
Little Seizures.
What's the difference between an orphanage and a supermarket?
People actually want stuff in a supermarket.
Why is Trump always in debt? His university isn't paid off yet!
Why can't orphans open a family business?
Because there is no family.
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
