A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
You want to know why Santa brings such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.
I heard there was a kidnapping.
Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.
It was his father's friend who was a priest.
He was just bringing him to church.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
There are perks to bringing an emo to the grocery store; you can get coupons by scanning their wrist.
How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.
Why do orphans like cows?
Because when they leave, they bring back the milk.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
Timmy Turner: I wish the Vegan Teacher was a cheeseburger.
Wanda: Ok, Timmy.
Timmy: Cosmo, bring her to me!
Cosmo: Here you go, Timmy.
*Timmy eats Miss Kadie*
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
Your mama is so fat. Guys have to bring climbing equipment to have sex with her.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.
Shitmate: You’re so shitable.
Me: Bring banana ice cream.
Shitmate: Never happening.
Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
Why? You ask.
Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.
An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
Why did Peter bring toilet roll to the party? Because he was a party pooper!
