What's a gun's favorite type of literature?
Magazine.
A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.
When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
What did the math book say to the guidance counselor?
My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Ever heard of account stealing?
Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
I speak for the trees.
*Trees whisper in my ear*
They said six million wasn't enough.
I asked to borrow a book from the library. It was titled "Suicide in Ten Easy Steps." The cunt just stood and said, "Cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"
Me: I'm sorry, Aaron.
Aaron: Why?
Me: Your parents couldn't be bothered to look past page one in the big book of baby names.
I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.
It's just been discovered that as well as writing a book, Adolf Hitler also wrote one of the first computer games, "Mein Kraft."
What kind of book does cheese read at a church?
The Hole-y Bible.
What Lord of the Rings book is banned from the United States?
The Two Towers.
This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
Make him read a book.
Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?
Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.
Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.
Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.
Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.
Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?
Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?
