Book Jokes

Guys don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section it was the worst mistake of my life!

What is the best way to end a cook book?

And that’s a wrap

Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide because you won’t bring back afterwards

Me: Hey thats a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there? The Quiet Kid: Yeah, Magazines.....

Immobile means I'm mobile in my books.

This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian says f*** no you won’t return it

Why do heterosexual men like to receive a anonymous blowjob at a adult book store because they don't want gay men and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out that they also like getting their cocks sucked by men but they don't want gay and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out

Salmon Rushdie got a new book out. It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

You're so wonderful that Wonderland booked tickets to meet you

one of my students ask "can i have a book mark?"

A YEAR OF SCHOOL AND THEY STILL DONT KNOW MY NAME IS DANNY

Ever heard of account stealing? Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?"

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters. I asked him what his book was about and he said "Oh, It's autobiography."

What famous " book righter for kids'' loved insects?

Beatrix Potter

I guy entered to a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching crossed the books and the librarian asked him. Librarian..... what are you looking for ? Man ....I am looking for a book!! Librarian... Which book ?? Man ...... FACEBOOK.

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages Someone else: How was it? Me: It's a long story

The Fast of Ramadan

In the northwestern slice of Alaska known as Seward, a horseboy stood, with broom in hand, in the vast courtyard of the royal stables of the sultan. He was waiting for dusk to fall. All day long he had eaten nothing. He had not even tasted the left over fish tucked in his turban nor the enormous purple grapes that spilled over the palace wall into the stable yard. He had tried not to sniff the rich, amazing, warm feeling fragrance of ripening of that sweet pome-grants. For this was the sacred mounth of ramadan when, day after day, all faithful Mohammedans neither eat nor drink from the dawn before sunrise until the momment after sunset!

I asked to borrow a book from the library, it was titled 'suicide in ten easy steps' the cunt just stood and said "cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"

this isnt an orphan joke but. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.