Why did the hobo go back to the future?
To stop himself from wasting all his money on a rigged casino machine.
Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.
The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”
As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
That doesn't matter, we need to get the best joker to go back to posting here, he was funny but now people say they are him and ruin his good name, he was the top of the charts for over a year, so screw all these chumps! Bring back THE REAL SPECIAL!!!
Also, the chicken dies in the end, ha ha, funny, whatever.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”
Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”
A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
There was a man. He came home with his friends from the bar and man was he ever wasted! Their friends made sure to get him home safely. The next morning, he woke up and found blood all over his nightstand. He called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.
So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.
Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.
What's the difference between a Doberman Pinscher and a Social Worker?
Eventually, you can get a baby back from a Doberman Pinscher.
The Cheerio Joke
Let's say you're in high school, and your popularity level was based on what Cheerio you are. So there's Extra-Frosty Cheerios as the most popular kids, the frosted Cheerios were the popular kids, the Regular Cheerios as the typical normal kid, then there's the honey nut Cheerios as the nerds and geeks, and then there's your Cheerio which is the Chocolate Cheerios. Now you want to ask this girl who's an extra frosty, you go up to her and ask her to Homecoming, but she declines.
So after school gets out, you go home and rewind. The next day you wake up feeling like a honey nut Cheerio, so you go up to her again and ask her again, she still says no. So you go home and rewind again and wake up the next morning feeling like a Regular Cheerio. So you go to school and ask her again, she still declines. So you go home and rewind again. The next morning, you wake up feeling like a frosty Cheerio. So you go up to her and ask again, still says no. Then you go home and unwind. The next day you wake up feeling like an extra frosty Cheerio. Feeling doubtful, you go up to her one last time and ask her. She finally says yes.
The next day is Homecoming, and you and your date are on the dance floor, and she wants punch. So she tells you that she's going to go get punch. She goes and gets punch and is back in 30 seconds. You ask her why it was so fast. She replies with; "Oh there wasn't a punch line."
