Assistance Jokes

9/11 called for help. What did that get? Nothing.

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?

I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.

What is humble, holy, and helps?

An angle...

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

I'm at school and this website isn't blocked, and I need help on who did 9/11?

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

EXPERIMENT SUCCESSFUL 😱😱 Scientists have created an element named Pessomium 😳😳

Characteristics: - Highly reactive only in Bolivia and Panama 😡🤬 - Turns invisible when in Brazil or Uruguay 🥵🤧 - Finished 😹🤕 - 0 protons 0 electrons 0 goals 0 assists 7 debuts 🥶

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

Help me...

A shop assistant is helping a little boy who can't find his mum in the supermarket.

He asks the boy, "What's she like?"

The boy says, "Big Cocks and vodka!"

What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Hi my sweet friends! This is for everyone who needs help right now :)

Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?

He thinks she should stand up for herself.

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

"GWEN, can you help me? There's some person messing with me. There name is JADSA, something like that. Look for a joke named Jayden."

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

I made a house for orphans and...

they had no clue how to use it.