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I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got excited and asked if I could drive a plane.

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    • An Asian walked up to another Asian that was crying.

    He asked, "Is somting wong?"

    The other guy says, "I was i a noh paking zon."

    As a fellow emo, I find these very rude and disrespectful. Please take off, or I'll tell Mom.

    Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby, please tell me (I'm asking for a friend).

    P.S. I have no friends.

    A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.

    The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."

    Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."

    Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."

    Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?

    When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

    Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

    A girl is meeting this Muslim for a date, and she asks him, "So are you Indian?"

    And the Muslim goes, "No, bitch, I ain't 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11!"

    I was playing basketball and a guy in a wheelchair asked if he could play.

    I looked at him and told him that we are looking for ankle breakers, yours are already broken.

    Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

    Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

    Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

    My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

    An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

    Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

    Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

    “Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

    “Correct,” says the teacher.

    The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

    Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

    “Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

    “Correct again,” says the teacher.

    The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

    This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

    Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

    The teacher fainted.

    I saw a little kid crying because he was lost. I asked him, "Where are your parents?"

    God, I love working in an orphanage!

    My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

    We don't see each other very much.

    The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.

    He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.