Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks
Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.
Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.
Grandma: young people your age are married by now,why aren’t you?
Me: old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.
This joke problably flew over peoples heads, but for some people it flew into their head
All my jokes are cys for help
INCLUDING THIS ONE
Why can't depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: hey, what are you doing?
Child: oh I just milked one of your cows
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls
Child: *realizes*
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an Aussie bloke in Bali?
Both are expert drunks, but the Aussie is 100 times better kept. Johnny Depp, in contrast, looks like a demented leader of a violent drug cartel.
9/11 and Jenga are the same.
It's a controlled demolition
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine
Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
He sang a love song to a rat, yet stans are befuddled on why people keep calling their idol "Wacko Jacko".
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest "Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired"
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
