Ares jokes
I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.
I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?
Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.
Child: *realizes*
All my jokes are cries for help.
INCLUDING THIS ONE.
Why can't depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are too scared to meet the exit.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
Some people think incest jokes are funny.
I just think it's all relative.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright.
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."
When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."
He sang a love song to a rat, yet stans are befuddled on why people keep calling their idol "Wacko Jacko".
Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.