Ares jokes

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.

What do Michael Jackson and math have in common? They are both hard for kids.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.

Student: OOFT.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

Trees are so social. They're always branching out.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

They can never make it home.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Why are women like KFC?

After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.

Are you a school? Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids in you.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.

Why can't dwarfs be depressed?

Because they are compressed.

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"

Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?

It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.

McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.