Ares jokes
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
If you're ever bored, kick an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.
Me: Mine DON'T :(
Why are hospitals always freezing?
They need to keep the vegetables cold.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
Solicitors are more likely to harass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch.
Roses are red, I like weed,
If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."
What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."
Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?
A: They can’t find home.
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
Why can't dinosaurs talk?
Because they are all dead.
Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?
They’re just two weeks to quit.
Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.
- Hey, are you single?
- No, I'm album.
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
"Hippity hoppity, women are my property."
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
9/11 victims. 100 stories in 11 seconds.
Getting a book on pasta?
Yes. Just imagine the pastabilities there are!