Ares jokes
There are two types of people, avoid them both.
Bully: Ha, guess what?
Nerd: What?
Bully: You are adopted.
Nerd: At least I was wanted!
Why are vegetarians so good at giving head? Because they’re used to having nuts in their mouth.
My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
Why are the English so bad at chess?
Because they lost their queen.
The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!
Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they can't go home.
I kicked a soccer ball into a kid in a wheelchair, so we are playing Rocket League.
Okay class, who can tell me who the fastest readers are?
The pilots of 9/11 went through the Twin Towers, 6 in 3 seconds.
Fastest story readers are 9/11 victims.
They went through 87 stories in 7 seconds.
Punch an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?
I love making jokes about orphans!
What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Teacher: "Ok class, what animal jumps the highest?"
Kid: "A leopard."
Quiet kid: "No, it's emo kids. Some of them are still in the air."
Kid: "Broooooooooooo."
Who are the world's fastest readers?
The 9/11 suicide jumpers, they went through 110 stories in 5 seconds. Sorry.
9/11 jokes are a bomb!
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Are you suicidal? Remember, if you ever feel unwanted, just check to see your warrants.