ANS jokes
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?
What's the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
What is an orphan's favorite show?
Batman.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
What is an orphan's family reunion called?
Me time.
I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?
What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?
They are both nowhere to be found.
What is an orphan's least favorite movie?
Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.
What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu? Pikachu, I choose you!
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples are actually picked.
Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.
How do you flatten curves?
With an abortion.
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.