ANS jokes
How do you know when an orphan is lying?
When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."
What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?
Both their parents were separated.
"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."
"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."
"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.
Our Deaf Friend
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple gets picked.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: ....ur parents.
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.