ANS jokes

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

Call me an escalator because I let people down.

What's the worst thing to star in?

An amber alert.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

Why do orphans support slavery?

They finally have an owner.

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)