ANS jokes
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?
Family photo.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
Memes
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: ....ur parents.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
Why do orphans support slavery?
They finally have an owner.
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.
Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?
Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?
When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)