ANS jokes

What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?

A blender.

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?

I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An envelope.

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?

A self-fie.

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?

An orphan's parents.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A "MASTER-BAITER".