ANS jokes

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave children's rooms with an empty sack.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

I'm an orphan, lol.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

Family photo.

What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?

Finish a race.

If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

When an emo kid jumps out of a tree, what happens when he hits the ground?

Nothin' much, he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

How do you blindfold an Asian?

With dental floss.

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."

"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."

"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."