ANS jokes

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Who.

Who who.

You sound like an owl.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

What's the difference between a bear with a gun and an American man with a gun?

The bear has common sense not to fire it.

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Why can't I get a girlfriend?

Because I'm a beta male simp.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite event? Their birthday!

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?

A pistachio.

How do you catch an elephant?

Act like a peanut.

I want an almond-flavored biscuit.

I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang, because it always comes back.

Yo mama so ugly when she played Five Nights at Freddy's, they thought that she was already in an animatronic costume.

Why does an orphan only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have mothers' and Father’s Day.

Q: What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A: A family picture.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because they can't find home plate.